I still sleep with a stuffed animal..

The weak cry about it, the strong blog about it.

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Him.

I’ve always hated romance films, anything Nicholas Sparks writes and couples who verbally make love via social media. Guys are never who they are in the movies or in books or who they act like they are on the internet. Guys are well… guys. 

But maybe I’ve been wrong. Maybe I’ve spent a lot of my time wasted with someone who only showed me how bad things can be instead of how good it can get. Maybe I marked off the nice guys because I always thought it was normal to be treated bad. Maybe I actually have found someone who gets it. 

He makes me feel like I can do anything in the world. He doesn’t hinder me from living my life. He reads books. He listens to good music. He encourages me to look up at the sky and enjoy the clouds. He glances away from the road while we drive to appreciate the mountains.He appreciates the simple things in life just like me. He always wants me around. He puts my needs first. He surprises me with little, sentimental things. He never cusses at me, never yells, never calls me names. He gets it. 

I’m not saying I’ll date him, or marry him or ever speak to him again after today. We can’t promise each other tomorrow because things happen. Life happens. All I know is that when I’m with him, I feel happy. I feel special and important. I was broken but he makes me feel whole and complete again. He makes me feel like I’ve found what I’ve been missing and that every second of our time spent together is worth it. He’s the guy from the movies and the books. He’s worth it. 

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Choose Happiness

It’s 5:45 a.m. and I am awake writing. I’m not writing because it’s a convenient time or because I have anything brilliant to say. I’m writing because it makes me happy and from now on, no matter how much I have to step outside of my comfort zone, I’m choosing happy.

Convenience is a way of life for most of us. We choose fast food over home cooked meals, we drive to class instead of walking the 10 minute stroll on the sidewalk and more often than not, we choose unhealthy relationships over trying something new just for the sake of comfort. Convenience is what holds us back in the long run and tempts us to make unfortunate decisions in the present. Convenience is easy.

I have spent a lot of time inconveniencing myself over something that I found convenient. An old relationship, just like a greasy pizza, can be comfort food. You crave it, you give in to it and after the flavor is gone, you’re left with a nauseous, unsatisfied feeling in the pit of your stomach. Most things that are unhealthy do that, you know? It makes you happy for a moment but then you realize just how harmful it is for you. Empty calories and empty relationships are one in the same. If you keep falling into the desires of what’s easy and feeding off of it, you’ll regret it in the long run. You’ll be 30, overweight and have a husband who hates you. If you don’t stop making unhealthy choices now for the sake of convenience, you’re going to hate yourself someday, too.

It might not always be convenient to make a salad over grabbing take out, it might be easier to hop in your car for class instead of walking; and it might be more practical to you in your mind to stay with someone just because it’s all you’ve ever known. However, if you ever truly want to find happiness and be healthy, you have to make choices that aren’t always convenient or easy. You have to buck up and stay strong and drop the damn pizza from your hands and move on. The truth is, just because it’s comfortable to you doesn’t mean it is right for you. It’s going to be hard but whatever you do, choose happiness. Choose your own health and happiness over convenience because we all deserve to be happy, dammit. 

Filed under happy happiness convenience relationships health healthy

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I Have No Idea What I’m Doing

I’m stuck between a rock and hard place. The more I sit between the two, I realize that one of those sides has to win. Otherwise, I’m still stuck. The saying is so cliche but I think the way it feels is unique to everyone. I for instance am so confused about my life that I am considering having a melt down for a while. Dropping out of college, laying in my bed and eating leftovers sounds a lot easier than applying to graduate school and figuring out my future. Unfortunately, you have to have money to be insane. Poor people like myself can’t afford to not function. Maybe I should have played “Operation” more and read the dictionary less as a child. Then, I could be going to medical school instead of freaking out about how I’m going to turn my words into money. The point is, I can lay on my parents couch forever or I can go to school for what seems like forever. Either way, neither of them sound too satisfying to me right now. Naturally, I’m not a planner. I don’t care what happens tomorrow and I for sure never think about my future. I guess everyone asking me what I’m doing after graduation has really got me stressed. Thank you, Thanksgiving for the annoying questions from family members and randoms. The truth is, I have no idea and I guess I’m a little ashamed and little petrified. I’m 22 and about to be finished with undergrad and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. That’s scary. 

Filed under life college future scared writing

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I don’t think it’s fair to judge people who settle. People settle because they are scared and they are lonely. Waiting sounds nice but settling is comfortable and safe. Don’t we all just want security?

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So if you’re out there I swear to be good to you, …. ,
'cause when the time is right you'll be here,
But for now, dear no one, this is your love song.

I don’t really like big crowds
I tend to shut people out, I like my space.

(Source: elkabar, via beatriceursula)

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Maybe We’ll Find Better Days

I know that I have anxiety issues. I know that a lot of what I worry about stems from the fact that I have a stupid, mental illness that I can’t control without medicine of which I refuse to take.

But I can’t help but think that other people feel the same way I do. I have a really hard time moving on with my life when I know other people can’t. I don’t know why I bear so much weight on my shoulders over things I can’t control but I do. I feel guilty for going to college because I lost a friend who never got the chance. I get sad when I go shopping because I know I have clothes at home and there are people out there with none. I tear up when I feel hateful towards work and don’t want to go and then remember that there are people out there without jobs— including my dad. 

I get on Twitter and my TL is filled with things that don’t matter at all. Like, how can people not be concerned about real things instead of Miley Cyrus? Why do I feel like I am the only one who sees that there are bigger, more important issues?

Today I am feeling extra emotional. One of my dearest friends since kindergarten is laying in a hospital bed with no answers as to what will be the outcome of all of this. I feel so guilty for being able to walk, to breathe, to even take a drink of something. I feel so bad because I take all of those things for granted everyday. At night when I pray, I tell God that I am thankful for all of those things but am I really? I don’t think so. I think I just go through the motions of life worrying about everything instead of just being thankful. I need to know that there are other people out there who feel the same way I do. Sometimes I feel so crazy. Like no one else in the world worries like I do. No one feels guilty like I do about things I don’t think I should be guilty over. 

I’m sorry that this is so depressing. I just needed to get it all off of my chest before I go crazy. I love you all and I hope that you know that I am always here for you. I will do anything I can to help. Please remember not to take anything for granted. Not one step, not one breath. I’ll be praying for you guys and I hope that you will continue to pray for my friends and family who are struggling right now. Thanks guys. You have no idea how blessed I feel to have friends like ya’ll who are there for me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.